11:22 PM, Pacific Timing

Life is harder than ever lately…I have no clue whom to truly turn to. I want to somewhat disappear off the world, and watch from a distance how people would react to my absence. What am I to so many others? Am I living this life for a reason? Am I to learn a lesson from all of this stupid shit? Am I to go suicidal?

And all these thoughts rush to me every night…when I try to sleep… I never am able to

Will I ever be happy? Can I ever find someone who I truly ‘love’? Why am I suddenly, once more, so popular with the boys…This boy, that boy—I don’t want to care any more…the boy I want pays no attention to me at school… the one I say I love has not kept in contact with me for ages…and now I’m worried everything was all a lie.

I have a father who has cancer and he scared me half to death today. Why? He almost ran a red light. No, not the ones that turn yellow then red—the light was red before we reached it…yet he did not slow down. He slammed the breaks right before a car that was turning. I could have been in an accident…now I’m worried even more. My father then made a left turn later on, and a car almost hit us…What if he were to get into an accident? How will I know…how will I be contacted? First the cancer and the treatment he will undergo soon—am I a burden of a daughter?

I know I somehow disappoint my mom. Tomorrow is mother’s day and I do not think of her. I realize, that we have not told each other that we love one another in…a while. I cannot remember the last time. It’s quite sad isn’t it? I bought her no present, because I feel that she does not deserve it. Why? She does not help—she simply pesters and drives me closer to near insanity. I do not want her to correct me because I am being rude in my terms of Vietnamese. I am rude because I am mad. I am mad because I cannot stand her. But she is thick headed and doesn’t understand. She calls me a rude troublemaker – and compares me to my older brother…who is another story.

My older brother is a weed addict. Because of him and his use, also being caught for possession of said drug—we are at risk of losing our house. The lease is terminated already, however, we are going to go to court to see if we say that he was kicked out / moved out way before the notice was issued, does it apply or not. Hopefully things will be okay, because this adds much more stress onto my father…something I do not want to do in his condition…

Unlike my relationship with my mom, I love my dad. I try my best not to disobey him or make him feel sad…yet my failing grades are not helping at all. I’m trying a bit harder lately—but with all this life crap, I want to give up. My father says he wants to give up. He says it is better to simply die than deal with the chemo treatment, the radiation…and so forth…

What am I to do? I have no shoulder to lean on…in the means of a boyfriend I mean. It’s someone who is more than a friend who is always there for you. I know I have Kuri umma, but she is not here physically and it is making things harder. (PS. Happy Mothers Day to you Kuri <3 I love you umma!). If I had a boyfriend, whom I love and whom I equally care for…I would get through things better.

I would then have a reason to get up in the morning. I would want to go to school to see a certain face…but everything is a blur, and there’s nothing but drama and stress…

No matter where I go, things don’t ever seem to get better…

I’m hopeless. Hopeless in life. Hopeless in romance. Simply hopeless in everything…

x-- end note.

GO AWAY.

Okay. Now starting the "distance phase" of my life. Yes I am going to be distant from almost everyone. There are a few where I will still talk to. I'm not listing who, you will see. It's just that I am in the mood to push people away from me. Yes, I AM IN THE MOOD TO DO THAT. Why?

My trust has worn weak.
My temper is even shorter.
My tolerance is almost no existent.
And bipolar rate is up the hizzouse.

Yes, that's right. I said it's up the hizzouse.

I can't trust anyone. I'm stuck with stupid shit. I don't know how things will go even though I try and try so hard. I try my best and nothing comes out right. I guess I'm not meant to succeed, or be happy in that case. There's always those countless back lashes that are never, ever worth it. The more I think about it, the more mistakes I find in my life.

Sure, I am thankful for many things, but I feel so stupid for so many others. Countless others. So many regrets, so many retarded mistakes and choices. I guess that's what life was going to be for me. No one understands-- except maybe Umma. Other than that, maybe other people.

It's like-- if you want to be close to me, it's almost too late to be. What you knew of me, is nothing of me now. Don't try to get close unless you were already close before hand. Don't bother unless you know it's ALRIGHT with me. Don't be surprised if i turn to a bitch to you. Just mind your own business, which means butting out of mine.

What pisses me off lately is school. Yes, school. Full of stupid ass rumors and stupid ass boys. I hate boys. I cant trust any [except maybe nii-san]. The rest are like two faced, no matter what. Really, It's stupid. I'm wasting my time on hopeless romantic shit, why do I even try. The stereotype is true, the majority of guys just want to get into your pants. Well fuck off. I'll say what I told some other perve who is my friend only so he could "get with me" and "get closer". I'm going to fucking shove your nose onto the pavement and scrape it until there is no cartilage existent on your damn face.

yeah, that's my rant. Kk bye.