2008年3月21日金曜日

03.20.08 ; In Loving Memory....



03 20 08 . "Red Scare" ? Second Mao Ze Dong movement?
No, it's just in memory of our dearest friend...
...who ironically loved the color red and made us look like Commies LOL


More pics later. school time -_-;

-edit edit (:

more pics yay!


With Pamela


Hi five Nii-San! XD Random pic, courtesy of Mei xD


Mei , Me and Nii-San (: Car ride~


Jeremy (:


Sandy, Peter, David Hsuing


Illegal Cue shot XD


Puri Puri (:



It was a minimum day due to Open House at the school, so it really felt like a Friday. Sadly, Fridays dont feel like Fridays anymore ~__~. After school we all met up and we all had planned to wear red (: hence the group picture. All for Victor <3 We all miss him. To take our minds off grieving, we went out to Rowland. First we went to Cue and took pictures. Our group was like 13 people I believe. Or more atleast.. haha~ Shoving people into booths and splitting up (: . I didnt take a picture with Angela Su though T_T or Vivianne or Sandy ><. Next time~ Angela Su was sad that I didn't take a pic with her though XD.

Went out to eat at his place called Maxim. It was like really fun XD We were a huge family (: we all ate each other's plates haha~ It was really nice ^^. We've bonded quite well lately~ All because of Victor. We all knew him, but not each other...now that he's gone it seems that the rest of us are more like friends, not just acquaintances. I miss him though, kinda wish he didnt have to go...but...life must move on yes ><; <3 RIP Victor.

Funeral is next week. :/ i guess it's almost all over with...in a sense...

2008年3月17日月曜日

M E M O R I A L ; making.

I couldn't sleep until I basically knocked out...which I think was around midnight. Woke up around 4AM...so yeah. Victor, man we all miss you. Retard, come back. But we all know that you won't be coming back...Today was hard without you. It's so unrealistic that it's hard to believe. Nothing will take your place. There will be a void in the tangible part of our lives, but you're always going to be in our hearts, minds, thoughts and even dreams. No haunting us though you butthead, this is already like a nightmare.

I cried in the morning...it was pretty crazy. We all just gathered up (Me, kevin, david wang, andy, howard...i cant remember all right now) and stood/sat there...in a circle. Some cried, even nii san. I tried to stop crying, since I had been crying nonstop for so long...So eventually I did for a few minutes when I was talking to Q (He actually, I think he sensed something was wrong with me-- but I dont know. More on Q stuff later.)

Went back to my group, gave them all hugs-- and then headed to first period. This is the stupid shit. I still was crying-- I couldnt stop. Angela gave me a hug and Cyn was crying too.. There was the announcement from the principal and it was something like this...

"I am sorry to announce that Victor Wang, an eleventh grader at Claremont High, passed on Saturday night. Many of you may have known Victor, and if you want to talk or take some time out of class, we have extra counselors here to help. Simply tell your teacher and leave....oh and....Happy St. Patrick's Day."

What. The. Fuck. HAPPY ST PATRICK'S DAY?! HE DARE SAY HAPPY ST PATRICK'S DAY?! He is SO inhuman and insensitive! He went to all of Victor's classes and started repeating what he said like, "I know it's hard to cope with death (OBVIOUSLY). IF you need to talk then we have counselors...SOOOOOOO...yeah" He really said "so, yeah" -_-; how damn rude.

During third period, Nii-san got me out of class to work on a memorial project for Victor. We worked with what we had, which were pictures of him from his facebook and pasted (or well taped) it on red paper. Red was his favorite color. We made a total of four mosaic like posters for him. In addition to this, we wanted to get him flowers-- but at first the damn principal was like "I'd rather you not. Do it after school". Like WHAT THE HELL. Our friend DIED and you wont even let us go get FLOWERS to honor him!? Angela Su ended up sneaking off campus and buying them anyways. The total was over 100 is what she said. I pitched in 40. I think it was so expensive since we bought the vases also so yeah...

We brought the posters out at lunch and pasted two up near the library, one near the door of his favorite teacher, Senor Burke (Who ended up crying also...it was really sad), and one on the tree near the area where he sat for lunch. We sat around that area, not many of us ate , i think maybe only two or something did. We simply sat there quietly, signing cards and boards that we brought for messages. After lunch, we blew up a bunch of balloons just for him. 17 of each color ; red, black and white. We wanted to tie them around the tree but the stupid ass principal was like "Oh no you cant, people will come and cut them and they'll go flying into the sky and that'll be bad for the environment." -__- when the hell was he an environmentalist? Fucking bullshit man.

The principal kept on asking us, every time he came around "How are you guys doing?" we all glared at him, and then when we didnt reply he was like, "YOu did all you could". No, we didn't. You fucking stopped us Mr. O' fucking COCK -_-; well his real name is Mr. O'Connor but fuck that. Sounds like he's damn Irish-- no wonder huh. Wanted St Patrick's day to be HAPPY just cuz he's RACIST i bet BAH!

Because of Victor's death, i really value the time with my friends. I even gave Q a hug (second time i've hugged him since i met him). But it was awkward, like he didn't understand. MY eyes were like bloody red from all the crying..but he didn't understand. This is where I move on. No more waiting I guess, if things go well then they go well, if not then they don't. I think I like someone else now...

Working together on this memorial brought us together. Those who worked on the memorial shared so many stories about him, regardless of how little we all talked to each other. There was a bond, there was support for everyone. After I had stopped crying, I ended up smiling, trying to comfort the rest. It was really hard to smile, but Victor wouldn't want us to be sad. I kept saying that, I bet you it's true.

Other things ticked me off today. These fucking Korean bitches DARE to take his death as an excuse to get out of class. They didn't even KNOW him. They just wanted to get out of learning. They didn't even help. They fucking sat in their damn lunch spot and hung out talking about random shit. Show some fucking respect bitches...imma kick their ass...we're all jumping whoever disrespects victor.

Today brought out the worse of me, but also the best to an extent...

Today was really unreal. Like a horrid nightmare...but it's reality. I miss you so much Victor, it's only been two days...things wont be the same. <3 rest in peace.

2008年3月16日日曜日

Rest In Peace ; Victor Wang


020691 - 031508


Little did I know that someone that was close to me, would be torn away so quickly. It was too unexpected, Victor please be at school tomorrow. I don't want to believe it. I want to see your joking face about how you didn't do the calculus homework...I want to actually ask you if you did it...I want to see you coming up towards the 700 quad after having Chamberlain and asking you what we will do in class...I want to believe that you will be sitting in front of Sandy during calculus, looking back at Angela and me...

I wish i helped you more. I wish I did more for you. I wish I didn't take you for granted....but ....I cant change anything. Victor, you must be having fun up there in heaven huh? I'll miss bumping into you randomly around the village or the library on occasion...and just simply seeing you...

May you rest in peace.

031508 ; elaboration.

Okay, now that I have slept for about 10 hours (I didn't go to bed until around 1AM), I think I can elaborate on yesterday ^^ (Ignore typos, I just woke up LOL).

So, around 5:45AM I woke up to shower and change to get ready. I wore a white casual dress, a big black jacket and my brother's black & white scarf. I swear I have an unusual attachment to that scarf now haha. Hair was simple, just left down(Freaking wind in LA made it all crazy later though lmao). Makeup was simple, and I wore my tutti grays lol. There were other girls who wore circle lenses too, so i wasn't the only one haha.

Nii-San's sister picked me up from my house around 7:20AM. I didn't tell my parents about the audition AT ALL in the past days, so do you know what I did? They were fast asleep...so I LEFT A NOTE. My dad called me later on at 8AM to ask me where I was in LA and to call him when I get to the audition area. So, anyways, Nii-San and I arrived at the train station and were waiting and waiting~ Apparently, there was an accident on the train tracks that delayed our train for..about half an hour or more. Got on the train, and just waited (: . Got a text from Karen but she never replied to my reply ><; that girl is way too busy!

Arrived at the LA Union Station and then waited outside for Poofie and her mom to pick us up (:. After that, we arrived at the audition place around.. 10? We saw so many people with numbers already! It was like up to 200! And on the poster, it said that auditions would start at 10! What an early turn out. Grabbed an application-- but I had no pen! SO...i asked this cute guy for his pen, used it. Poofie used it...then I'm pretty sure I gave it back O_O but this guy on soompi said that whoever may have borrowed his friend's pen didn't give it back. I swear I gave it back! I don't have it at least....O_O; lol...

Waiting around in the cold for a few hours, I called my dad. My dad actually WISHED ME LUCK. It was kinda scary. Throughout the day, my dad was okay with me being in LA having fun with Poofie and Nii-San (Later on Kuri umma came). But my mom freaking kept calling later at night and bitching at me. She bitched at me when I cam home too...that's a different story for a bit later.

MY god, I do have to say, there were A LOT of hot hot hot hot hot guys! The turnout was about 400+ people? I ended up being number 233 and Poofie was 234. I sung Byul by Kim Ah Joong. We had to watch so many auditions before us, like.. over 100! Some of these girls behind us kept on bitching about the sucky girls, and were like "we can do better" blah blah blah. Ironically, when they went up, they sucked ass. Before me were a bunch of dancers! I was afraid i'd forget my lyrics and run off stage like a couple of others before me. But I didn't. I was able to get to the chorus, so about...30-40 seconds?

A lot of guys sung One Last Cry by Stevie Wonder...some with heavy heavy accents lol. A lot of the dancing CDs got mixed up, it was odd. Modeling and acting seemed to be the worst categories to audition for. They got the shortest time and almost no feedback. Except one girl who was a really great actress, she was asked to dance (: Her personality was really adorable lol..

Anyways, around LA was so windy! We kept walking around XD We ended up at a sushi restaurant to eat and then we went to the Korea Town Plaza, which was much more boring than I expected. What sucked is that everyone spoke Korean to me. It was odd..i was just like Uh *nod nod* ; kamsahapnida? LOL. Some people I had to explain that I don't speak Korean...Like this one lady during the audition was trying to ask me something but she was speaking in Korean! I was like X__X; i don't speak Korean TwT;

Walked around Korea Town~ Then waited for Kuri and then we went to Life. Got lost along the freeways. Ummanie became our source of mapquest XD. SO after we got on the right freeway, we hit MAJOR traffic! >< When we got to Life we did some puri (: It got really late T_T we wanted to go to noraebang but we couldnt ><. Poofie said she cannot come to AX due to money ><; So let's go help her out yeah? ;D <3~ So she can noraebang with us during AX ^^ teehees~.

Drove Poofie back to her hotel-- but we went the wrong way on the road because of her so we wasted like 20 mins LOL. That dork XD <3 but I am going to miss her. I wish she lived here! Rawr! Then we went home, and my mom kept calling -_-; freaking woke me up from my car-nap. Got home, mom started bitching about how I could've been kidnapped and how it's so unfeminine to leave a note and this better be the last time and blah blah blah.

BE THANKFUL I LEFT A FUCKING NOTE BITCH.

She then yelled at me because I threw my clothes around the room when I got home. Not my fault I was so damn tired I didn't want to organize! So she was like yelling, i was like "Freaking shut up!" and she was like "Omg so rude, i'm going to freaking punish you (Danh dong in viet...or something liek that)" and i was like "I fucking dare you. Go ahead." Yeah, I'm not afraid of her. More afraid of my dad lol-- but he's cool lately (: .. except he yelled at me for my freaking credit add up-- which was a FREAKING SCHOOL COMPUTER ERROR, NOT MY FAULT! I hate my school, what BS.

I ended up calling Q for a bit. He said he wasn't busy but he was going to leave soon to the airport to pick up his Hyung from Houston. So I was like, "Oh no, then you're busy! I'll talk to you later!". And he was like "No no! It's okay~ What are you doing?" And I told him about the auditions, He sounded really into it! LOL . To be truthful, I called him a few days ago-- because I wanted him to come with me...but he never picked up my calls! Bleh xP his loss! He ended up having to go and so we said bye~ I texted him later saying to drive safely and that we should talk soon, and maybe i'd sing to him one day (: LOL.

He ended up calling around.. 11:30PM? XD He was still driving to the airport and was like, "Aish~ It's so boring driving by myself..." and i was like "Aww, too bad I couldnt accompany you huh". He was like "yeah" LOL! Then, he was like "tell me more about the JYP AUditions." SO I told him basically all that stuff up there LOL. He really sounded interested! Then he was like, "Oh did you know, I can sing and dance pretty well too?" I told him how i was going to ask him to come with me, and he was like "Ohh, damn then ha ha~". He asked me if i knew about Wonder Girls and Big Bang, and was amazed that I did LOL. He was like "Wow! How do you know them?" I told him about my love of Korean music and such haha (:. Then, he told me about how he came to the US and lived in Houston first with an Aunt from his mother's side and how they were strict so he went to stay with his hyung that he was about to pick up. His hyung is a year older than him ^^;~ Yeah yeah~ It was great talking to him, he opens up quite easily to be truthful...I think I'm liking him more...regardless of the slip ups I created for myself.

Stayed up talking with Kuri for a bit, along with Emma and Ami who was on freaking mocha frap. I AM NOT TALKING TO YOU EVER AGAIN AMI WHEN YOU ARE HIGH OFF STARBUCKS. Went to bed, and woke up. I need to shower soon haha~~ maybe now (: ttyl everyone <3

`takashima ; yuu

031508 ; JYP AUDITIONS

this was...unlike any other audition.
it wasn't a small room with a group of five.
it wasn't a room with a group of ten..
hell it wasn't even one on one!

...it was....Performing in front of all the other auditioners..
or well, not all, but about 100 of them.
so, very nerve racking to watch all of those
then go..

i had a bunch of dancers before me, and like Arghh!
i was trying to remember my song it was soo crazy!
I was able to get just up to the chorus X_X;
so i think i did..okay? not spectacular ><
i could do better, i just wasn't prepared!

I took lots of pictures (:
left the house around 7 and took the train~
i have pictures of hte train station (:
freaking train was delayed due to an accident
that was on the train tracks. like wth!

Talked to Q later in the night
he was busy so i let him go XD
then..he called back (:
maybe there's some hope

keke. well ttyl everyone <3

tired now XD

and i'm not posting pictures (:
why? .... blame ricky :]

2008年3月2日日曜日

be true..

to myself...

i will:
quit hiding the secrets.
quit pretending to be something i'm not.
not smile if i'm not happy.
accept the fact that i have issues.
accept that i am so bipolar
accept the fact that the guy i like will not like me back.

and move on.

it's hard, it really is.
i cant find any reason to get out of bed
i cant find any reason to go to sleep before 10...
i no longer wnat to work or study...
i would just like to run away...
but i can't.
my legs wont move.
i dont have the courage.

so i'll just sit here, and start drinking.
dont worry i know my limits.
and yeah, dont freaking go all crazy on me cuz of this
it'll make things worse....

i dont care what people think anymore.
except for that one person...

it's odd. i have great friends (unnies, ummanie, umma <3, nii-san)
but there's still that empty void
that can be filled only by a guy
that loves me for who i am
who is there like all my other friends
but has another addition to his bond with me.

i dont have anything lke that in my life
at this moment, or maybe even ever.
i dont have a motivation to get better.
i dont think anything bad will come if i do worse.
there's no one of that importance to push me further.

love, between friends-- i have.
love, like...boyfriend and girlfriend...
i lack...and it hurts so much....
that no one understands...