Take off the Facade

There are those brief moments where I can express my true self in life, I'm not sure why. Maybe because I wish that people will simply think I'm alright and that I'd rather not have them worry. But does this lead to me, lying to myself? It's hard to tell when I'm truly happy, or truly sad...If I can characterize myself, I can say that I am constantly confused. I can't ever be content because of my demeanor, and it seems that I only sit idly by, doing nothing.

I feel like this sloth that lives life, without really living it. However, when I try to live it up-- I make stupid mistakes that I later on "regret"-- but then learn from. It's a good thing, to learn from experiences that is, right? I'm not really sure how to live, or what to do. Go by the rules, or break them and actually be myself? I feel so confined, and everytime I feel like being myself-- everyone freaks out.

They go, "Is she emo?", "Is she okay?", "She's out of her mind." The way I really am, is almost completely opposite of that facade I put up. But those who still want to stick by me when I take off this mask, are my true friends-- right? Am I simply putting up a test to see who is really there for me? Am I supposed to feel obliged to cling to them, while they give up on me? No, no more guilt. If they don't try-- I shouldn't either. But if I do...it's that trust issue again. What do they want from me, really? Only a few do I know the true answer to that.

This post really made no sense. Hahahaa~ Yay I'm so insane (:

Reflection #2

I wonder why, when I was young, that I wanted to grow up faster-- that I wanted to be a teenager and live a "cooler" life and how much "fun" high school was going to be. I wonder why I made promises and named people my "best friends forever" , although forever doesn't exactly exist and that promises are simply made to be broken. I wonder why I wished I were an only child because my older brother bullied me, but now that he's even barely home-- I realize how protective he really is and how good of an older brother he is. I wonder why I wished I wanted to find prince charming but when I had a boyfriend, it was very rare that he was one-- and the search continues.

I remember when trust was easy and I used to always believe anything. I remember when I could smile and mean it, even in those ridiculous school photos. I remember when people never judged by clothes and you can wear the most retarded outfit to elementary school and no one noticed. I remember when there was not much effort put into how I looked when I went out to play because I "didn't know better". I remember when I spent my time outside in the fresh air biking and roller blading with the other neighborhood kids instead of confining myself in solitude infront of this computer, doing my homework. I remember when the rain was told to get me sick and I always strayed away from it. I remember when there weren't deadlines that could make or break your life track, and that most mistakes were okay.

But now, it seems that I have trust issues with almost everything. That I can't believe anyone without having proof. That I can smile, but you can tell it's fake half the time. I realize how shallow I am, and how hypocritical I am when I say, I don't like shallow people. But then again, who doesn't judge by looks-- it's a first impression. I realize that to impress someone, I have to look the part-- not only act it. I feel that every mistake I make is ridiculed and never forgotten, so therefore I have to be careful with my every move-- making me paranoid. I can't find time for myself outside, but when it rains now, I'm always out standing in the rain, simply thinking. Regardless of consequences.

I realize that high school isn't as fun as it seems, and that best friends forever never stick to you all the time. I know that promises are seldom kept, therefore I don't make any. I realized that my older brother is the only thing close enough that I can connect to when I'm at home-- and other than him, it's only that small circle of friends that I have and truly trust. I realize that guys come and go-- and that I am probably the most indecisive person ever. My prince charming doesn't exist-- and if he does, I'm not his princess.

I don't know why, but I feel so hopeless nowadays. Maybe it's just another phase. Things change, but not always for the better. Expectations are set so high and people are only let down. Why do we allow this to happen? We are humans, we make mistakes-- and sadly they can't be prevented, can they?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today is the day to give thanks to everything that matters to you, basically (: There are so many things and mainly people who I am thankful for~ I will put up a graphic as soon as I finish my college applications tonight ^^;~ Teehees! This entire thing would be edited also O_O Because of my short term memory, there may be people who I forget T_T And I'm sorry~ But if I do forget you and you know you mean a lot to me, do not worry~ <3 You'll always be in my heart no matter what!

Kurisuti Umma - It's been almost three years since we've known each other, right? Or, atleast three since we've become Umma & Ddal~ Thank you for being there for me whenever I need you. I love catching up with you <3 And I'm sorry for the lack of contact that occurred towards the middle of the year. Yet here we are, still Umma & Ddal; forever & ever ne? You are the sweetest person I've ever met and the most trusting I know. We relate so well and I'm so glad that we're friends and mother & daughter teehees <3 Take care *chuu*~ And always know that I love you muchos!

Elia Kim - My facebook wifey <3 hah! Oh how I love you so much! You're the sweetest thing ever and I'm so thankful for you! You're easy to talk to and you understand so well *chuu* We need to meet soon love <3

Karen Unni - Unni I miss you so much! Although we haven't talked at all this year really, I love you and I always will! I miss you so much and after all we've been through, really~ Nothing will tear us apart! I will hunt you down if I have to puaha! <3 We must catch up soon~

Keii Chu Nii San - Oh Nii-San! You helped me so much this year and last <3 I'm sorry I can never repay you for anything ;w;~ You're the best nii-san ever, really! You're so great to talk to and I'm so glad we got to know each other better over the past year or so ( a bit more than a year ne? :3)~ I miss you so much! School isn't the same without you <3 We're all so caught up in our own things, I hope we can hang out again once more! <3

Sachuu Chan - Although we really haven't talked much lately, always know that I love and care for you <3 You're still a great friend and I miss you so much you have no idea! Please visit soon <3

Hikari Ummanie - We haven't talked much after AX but please know that I really care for you and I hope things are doing well~ After all that's happened, stay strong and I'm always wishing for your happiness (: Your heart is not frozen, I know that~ Stay positive and know that I love you ne! (:

Warren Oppa - You've had a huge impact on me, really! I miss you a lot haha~ You're such a sweet and funny guy (: You can always make me happy when I'm down. Thanks for being there for me, and dealing with me on so many occasions! You're so awesome ne! Teehees!

Tama Joongie - We've talked on and off this year~ But I'm thankful to have known you for so long (: Remember how we were so amazed that we were both Vietnamese and also that you had the same birthday as my brother? I really am glad we talked a lot more and have more in common~ I hope you do well in college and that we can catch up more often (: Teehees <3 I love you!

Sami Wifeyy - I love you so much <3 You're a sweetheart and I'm missing you so much after you've graduated! I'm thankful to be your friend and I'm thankful that you're mine! You're one of the greatest friends I've ever had, and thanks for always being there for me (:

Pamela Hsi - My sexy homecoming date haha! We've become so much closer and chill-er (LOL WTF?) this year. I'm going to miss you if I go off to college haha! I love talking to you and having our random talks about..how totally weird I am (: And how you actually do relate! You're so great for putting up with me, Thank you <3 I la la la love you chicaaa ;D <3 hahha!

Angela Yee - My best friend from CHS! We've known each other for so long and through so many ups and downs, thanks for staying friends with me (: I know I must be so hard to deal with sometimes, but you're always there. Although we pick on each other a lot, always know I care for you and love you (: like, really ahha!

Jason Wu - Since sixth grade we've known each other, and now we're REALLY REALLY talking and such. Thanks for listening to me and laughing at me when it's appropriate, and helping me when I'm in trouble. You're a great guy and thanks for everything (:

To those who I haven't been able to get to know well enough online, thank you for at least trying to get to know who I am. I'm sorry I've been so busy lately-- so this is to all you blog readers (: You guys are really sweet hearts to care about my life <3 Hehe I love you all *chuu chuu*! ^___^

Anyways, today was really fun ^^; ~ It was quite hectic though! I woke up around 10 and my friend form Modesto called me. Her name is Michelle, FYI~ She moved to Modesto from where I live around 6 years ago or more and is my old best friend's little sister. Oddly, I talk to her more than my old best friend ._.;~ But yeah she called and asked if I was ready-- I asked why and she said, "Because I'm coming over now"

So I had to speed clean and then shower really fast xD But she came when I was showering! Haha~ I felt so bad so I got out of the shower really fast~ And we hung out at my house and looked through all my old posters xD I forgot that I had so many! We also talked about music and watched videos hehe! I missed her a lot, and we made a promise that when I can drive and she comes to visit, I have to take her to Cue! Haha (: Ohh memories ne. Pictures up later~

Perfect Guy

The Holiday seasons are coming, and this is not the time to be lonely. Although I have family and friends, there's always that one thing missing...a boyfriend.

But I realized, my standards are all so high-- my expectations are way crazy. I'm crazy. This person will never exist and all I can do is try to keep searching to find out what I want. Sadly, looks do matter in this too :/ I realized I'm so hypocritical...I am so shallow ;w;.

Personality Wise:
- Considerate
- Caring
- Sweet
- Protective, but not clingy
- Supportive
- Listens
- Trusting
- Someone who I can be comfortable with
- Easy To Talk To
- NO SECRETS BETWEEN US
- Understanding

Talent/Hobbies/Interests Wise:
- Sing/Dance/Plays an Instrument
- Is into Jrock/Kpop/Cpop
- Has an open mind to my interests
- Outgoing and likes to try new things

Looks Wise:
- FOB Style (Jrock is okay too!); Mainly Korean/Japanese/Chinese/ etc.
- Perfect Smile - I have a smile fetish :/
- Taller than me ; but no more than 10 inches.

Random:
- Preferably older; but no more than 4 years older.
- Preferably can drive? :/ haha


And so, those are my expectations.
My search continues @__@~

Slow Days~

Things were quite fun today in Spanish class (:, my first period that is hehe. We were doing practice runs for the AP Spanish test. We had iMacs out and were recording the speaking parts and it was so amusing listening to my classmates in my group haha. This guy named Griffin is so funny~ The recording asked, "What do you think of your competitors" and he was just like "No me gustan!" (I don't like them!) "Yo soy el mejor!" (I am the best) It was hilarious! Hahaa~

Statistics was very boring and so was Chemistry. Economics was quite great though! I was so happy because when I got my test back, I scored a 91%! With the curve, that's 99%! I beat ANGELA! If you don't know, Angela is my best friend and she's super smart! So beating her on a test is a huge deal haha!

Serving lunch was whatever uhmm..what else what else xD Oh yeah -_- Freaking guy who likes me kept poking me so I ended up kicking him and shit. And I even threatened him! He's like a total stalker and wont give up. I kept saying today, "Give up.", "This will never happen" and "Don't fucking poke me bitch" LOL -_- I was really moody today owo; I still am ahah!

AP Lit is boring as always, same with Gov class haha @___@ I don't know, I'm getting tired agian. I hope it's not the same problem I had back in Sophomore year o_o eeip xD

That's about enough for today (: Bye byee xD

Karma

What comes around goes around, it's really true. So, remember that ex boyfriend I wrote about briefly who broke up with me to get with this other girl? She dumped him yesterday (: after about 5 days. It's even funnier because his friend, Mike, warned him about this when she "confessed" to him that she "liked" him while we were going out. Mike told Andrew (Ex bf) that shew as "fucking crazy and the only reason she was after him is because she couldn't have him" and that "Girls always want what they can't have, and once they get it they don't want it anymore.". Quite logical lol. Mike is always right about so many things though~

So today I was quite happy, and I even looked happy for once. It's been a few weeks since I was looking and feeling happy and content. It's kind of sad and demented that this is because of a bad happening to an ex boyfriend and his misfortune, but he deserved it yeah? It feels like such a burden has been lifted off though o__o odd odd~ Karma's going to get back at me, just watch~ aigoo ahha.

Lunch was alright~ I was playing this Japanese game on my friend's DS and it was really funny because at first, Angela was playing it-- but she failed and took forever with the first round xD I gave it a try and I was like, "Oh crap, I'm going to be worse just watch.." But I actually pwned her like crazy LOL! What took her 10 minutes to do, it took me only 2 xD. But then this guy, his name is..T lol-- is my friend and he sat really close to me and stuff. But hey he's my friend so I was like whatever. But then my friend Howard looked over at us and was like *raises eyebrows* oh ho ho ;D because he hypothesized that T likes me and I'm like er, NOOOOOOO. So Howard goes and asks Pamela what she thinks and she was like "YEAH HE DOES" and I'm like NO and then she was like YES. I was like, what? No! "Only you and Howard think this...and she replied, "NO it's so obvious! Only you don't think so!"

What sucks is I like T's older brother -____- LOL and I totally FAILED today! I was being in a good mood and also drinking Pepsi-- not a good time because it's seriously like a sugar high and I was chatting with him on MSN XD And..yeah..just look xD

Emi says:
How are you?
xxx says:
tired
Emi says:
You know why you're so tired?~
Emi says:
Because you've been running around my mind all day~
Emi says:
Hahaa~
xxx says:
= =

Shot down by a "= =" face. So sad huh? LOL @___@ Aigoo I'm so hopeless Hahahah!

Anyways, here's two peekturees! (: Did ya miss my face? Hahaha! >W<




Bye bye ! (:

- Emi

R E T U R N ;

Did you guys miss me? Haha!

Many things have happened since the last post, it's been almost exactly 3 months! OxO;. Senior year is quite stressful, I really really hate school-- for multiple reasons! >w<. College applications are also due in a few weeks! This is so hectic~ I haven't had time to do much really...~ Not even sort out my own thoughts through blog! Haha~

Let's see, so far during this school year...I'm maintaining my grades quite well! I'm quite shocked~ Teehees, only two B's and the rest are A's! Kick ass for all AP classes don't you think?~ I need to try to get straight A's! About 8 more weeks left of the semester D:! Out of all my classes, I really hate AP Chemistry! There's multiple reasons to that. Except having to sit next to my ex boyfriend (who broke up with me to get with another girl that he liked last year and still wasn't over. There was HUGE drama over this and I'm just about to kill him soon. She "confessed her love" to him around a week into me dating him. It's...really stupid D:< Douchebag!) The teacher doesn't really teach :/ SOO it's kind of hard haha >w<

Work is whatever, I really need to work up money for the holidays! >w< Aigoo this year is so hard! I suck at managing my money~ *flail flail*~ And also helping my friend Jason with his relationship problems. He has a crush and doesn't know what to do xD ~ So yeah we're just like really close friends trying to help each other out (: Lol!

College applications are stressful-ish. I'm not sure what to write for one of the prompts -- the one about how my community shaped who I am? XD Kind of hard @__@ I'm such an oddballl~~

I've been stressed out insanely nowadays T_T SO I look like crap :3 I'll save your eyes from the horror xD Puahaha! (: Ily guys <3 Hope you missed me~ jk jk xD

- Emi :D