Reflection #2

I wonder why, when I was young, that I wanted to grow up faster-- that I wanted to be a teenager and live a "cooler" life and how much "fun" high school was going to be. I wonder why I made promises and named people my "best friends forever" , although forever doesn't exactly exist and that promises are simply made to be broken. I wonder why I wished I were an only child because my older brother bullied me, but now that he's even barely home-- I realize how protective he really is and how good of an older brother he is. I wonder why I wished I wanted to find prince charming but when I had a boyfriend, it was very rare that he was one-- and the search continues.

I remember when trust was easy and I used to always believe anything. I remember when I could smile and mean it, even in those ridiculous school photos. I remember when people never judged by clothes and you can wear the most retarded outfit to elementary school and no one noticed. I remember when there was not much effort put into how I looked when I went out to play because I "didn't know better". I remember when I spent my time outside in the fresh air biking and roller blading with the other neighborhood kids instead of confining myself in solitude infront of this computer, doing my homework. I remember when the rain was told to get me sick and I always strayed away from it. I remember when there weren't deadlines that could make or break your life track, and that most mistakes were okay.

But now, it seems that I have trust issues with almost everything. That I can't believe anyone without having proof. That I can smile, but you can tell it's fake half the time. I realize how shallow I am, and how hypocritical I am when I say, I don't like shallow people. But then again, who doesn't judge by looks-- it's a first impression. I realize that to impress someone, I have to look the part-- not only act it. I feel that every mistake I make is ridiculed and never forgotten, so therefore I have to be careful with my every move-- making me paranoid. I can't find time for myself outside, but when it rains now, I'm always out standing in the rain, simply thinking. Regardless of consequences.

I realize that high school isn't as fun as it seems, and that best friends forever never stick to you all the time. I know that promises are seldom kept, therefore I don't make any. I realized that my older brother is the only thing close enough that I can connect to when I'm at home-- and other than him, it's only that small circle of friends that I have and truly trust. I realize that guys come and go-- and that I am probably the most indecisive person ever. My prince charming doesn't exist-- and if he does, I'm not his princess.

I don't know why, but I feel so hopeless nowadays. Maybe it's just another phase. Things change, but not always for the better. Expectations are set so high and people are only let down. Why do we allow this to happen? We are humans, we make mistakes-- and sadly they can't be prevented, can they?