2008年5月11日日曜日
2008年5月10日土曜日
11:22 PM, Pacific Timing
Life is harder than ever lately…I have no clue whom to truly turn to. I want to somewhat disappear off the world, and watch from a distance how people would react to my absence. What am I to so many others? Am I living this life for a reason? Am I to learn a lesson from all of this stupid shit? Am I to go suicidal?
And all these thoughts rush to me every night…when I try to sleep… I never am able to
Will I ever be happy? Can I ever find someone who I truly ‘love’? Why am I suddenly, once more, so popular with the boys…This boy, that boy—I don’t want to care any more…the boy I want pays no attention to me at school… the one I say I love has not kept in contact with me for ages…and now I’m worried everything was all a lie.
I have a father who has cancer and he scared me half to death today. Why? He almost ran a red light. No, not the ones that turn yellow then red—the light was red before we reached it…yet he did not slow down. He slammed the breaks right before a car that was turning. I could have been in an accident…now I’m worried even more. My father then made a left turn later on, and a car almost hit us…What if he were to get into an accident? How will I know…how will I be contacted? First the cancer and the treatment he will undergo soon—am I a burden of a daughter?
I know I somehow disappoint my mom. Tomorrow is mother’s day and I do not think of her. I realize, that we have not told each other that we love one another in…a while. I cannot remember the last time. It’s quite sad isn’t it? I bought her no present, because I feel that she does not deserve it. Why? She does not help—she simply pesters and drives me closer to near insanity. I do not want her to correct me because I am being rude in my terms of Vietnamese. I am rude because I am mad. I am mad because I cannot stand her. But she is thick headed and doesn’t understand. She calls me a rude troublemaker – and compares me to my older brother…who is another story.
My older brother is a weed addict. Because of him and his use, also being caught for possession of said drug—we are at risk of losing our house. The lease is terminated already, however, we are going to go to court to see if we say that he was kicked out / moved out way before the notice was issued, does it apply or not. Hopefully things will be okay, because this adds much more stress onto my father…something I do not want to do in his condition…
Unlike my relationship with my mom, I love my dad. I try my best not to disobey him or make him feel sad…yet my failing grades are not helping at all. I’m trying a bit harder lately—but with all this life crap, I want to give up. My father says he wants to give up. He says it is better to simply die than deal with the chemo treatment, the radiation…and so forth…
What am I to do? I have no shoulder to lean on…in the means of a boyfriend I mean. It’s someone who is more than a friend who is always there for you. I know I have Kuri umma, but she is not here physically and it is making things harder. (PS. Happy Mothers Day to you Kuri <3 I love you umma!). If I had a boyfriend, whom I love and whom I equally care for…I would get through things better.
I would then have a reason to get up in the morning. I would want to go to school to see a certain face…but everything is a blur, and there’s nothing but drama and stress…
No matter where I go, things don’t ever seem to get better…
I’m hopeless. Hopeless in life. Hopeless in romance. Simply hopeless in everything…
x-- end note.
And all these thoughts rush to me every night…when I try to sleep… I never am able to
Will I ever be happy? Can I ever find someone who I truly ‘love’? Why am I suddenly, once more, so popular with the boys…This boy, that boy—I don’t want to care any more…the boy I want pays no attention to me at school… the one I say I love has not kept in contact with me for ages…and now I’m worried everything was all a lie.
I have a father who has cancer and he scared me half to death today. Why? He almost ran a red light. No, not the ones that turn yellow then red—the light was red before we reached it…yet he did not slow down. He slammed the breaks right before a car that was turning. I could have been in an accident…now I’m worried even more. My father then made a left turn later on, and a car almost hit us…What if he were to get into an accident? How will I know…how will I be contacted? First the cancer and the treatment he will undergo soon—am I a burden of a daughter?
I know I somehow disappoint my mom. Tomorrow is mother’s day and I do not think of her. I realize, that we have not told each other that we love one another in…a while. I cannot remember the last time. It’s quite sad isn’t it? I bought her no present, because I feel that she does not deserve it. Why? She does not help—she simply pesters and drives me closer to near insanity. I do not want her to correct me because I am being rude in my terms of Vietnamese. I am rude because I am mad. I am mad because I cannot stand her. But she is thick headed and doesn’t understand. She calls me a rude troublemaker – and compares me to my older brother…who is another story.
My older brother is a weed addict. Because of him and his use, also being caught for possession of said drug—we are at risk of losing our house. The lease is terminated already, however, we are going to go to court to see if we say that he was kicked out / moved out way before the notice was issued, does it apply or not. Hopefully things will be okay, because this adds much more stress onto my father…something I do not want to do in his condition…
Unlike my relationship with my mom, I love my dad. I try my best not to disobey him or make him feel sad…yet my failing grades are not helping at all. I’m trying a bit harder lately—but with all this life crap, I want to give up. My father says he wants to give up. He says it is better to simply die than deal with the chemo treatment, the radiation…and so forth…
What am I to do? I have no shoulder to lean on…in the means of a boyfriend I mean. It’s someone who is more than a friend who is always there for you. I know I have Kuri umma, but she is not here physically and it is making things harder. (PS. Happy Mothers Day to you Kuri <3 I love you umma!). If I had a boyfriend, whom I love and whom I equally care for…I would get through things better.
I would then have a reason to get up in the morning. I would want to go to school to see a certain face…but everything is a blur, and there’s nothing but drama and stress…
No matter where I go, things don’t ever seem to get better…
I’m hopeless. Hopeless in life. Hopeless in romance. Simply hopeless in everything…
x-- end note.
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