` 『 n o ☆ r e g r e t s ; 』*

Notes on Life, and my view of it.

Because of so much that has happened to me lately, some of which I do not want to be questioned about ( a few of you know, because you understand. Thank you, to you all -- really. I mean it. Thank you. ) I have realized, or, come to some conclusions about myself and my life-- and what things are.

Sadly, this is more focused, a bit on love, or relationship aspect. Not just love love, boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife-- but family and friends also. My mind seems to be revolving about that mainly nowadays. You can't blame me though, I'm a teenage girl who watches too many Korean Romance Dramas and reads too many Soompi Fanfictions.

My life is a mess, I'll admit it. I'm lost myself with where I'm going, and how I am going to deal with so many things. Today, I feared, why have I not lived my life the way I wish-- what would happen if I didn't exist. What would happen if I died today. How will people be notified, would they care? Did I put my trust in the right people, did I make the right decisions, do I have no regrets? If I died today, I would say-- I would have regrets...I haven't grown to mature enough to accept them quite yet...but then I remembered.

You have no control of your life bar. You don't know when you will die. You don't know when it can all be over in a split second.

But how can you live your life to the fullest, when you don’t know when you have no more time. Why do I still procrastinate, when I know I should do something as quickly as possible. What have I turned myself into. What about the ties I make with people whom I have never even met? Why do I feel attached to these people, when I never have seen them physically? My mind just wanders off and thinks about odd thoughts like this lately...I'm not sure why-- but it just is. I'm not sure if any of that made sense...

Anyways, here's a topic. I don't understand the selfishness of people. I know, we are all selfish inside-- yet there is a limit. I think the line is crossed when you think more of yourself and allow so many others to suffer for your stupid mistakes, yet you continue it. You continue to hurt others, just as long as you are okay. I will say it now, I have no siblings. I hate you with all my heart right now. How stupid are you to not listen to anyone. You shouldn't be in my life now, I hope you leave. You are of no help, you are a user, an abuser, and just a shame to the family. Leave. Dad wants you to leave. I want you to leave. The only one keeping you back here is Mom, and I know you cant stand her. You're stupid, ignorant, selfish. I hope karma kicks your ass before I do, because I'll hit you 10 times harder. Your face, makes me want to stab it with a knife.

Topic #2. Family. I know family is what makes you who you are, and it is your roots but...sometimes it's sad how you want to break away from your immediate family. When you find no more ties, no more holdings to your roots, no true common ground-- no seeing eye to eye...it's hard to say, "My family is always there for me" or "Family comes first". Sadly, this is how I feel...and sometimes, I put my friends above my family, because my friends have become more of a family to me than my own true kin. But there are those certain times, those exceptions, where I will absolutely pick family. I'm a daddy's girl, I'll admit it. I love my dad, and I'm worried sick over him lately. I just want the best for him.

Now, onto...people. I have realized, ha ha ha ha....sorry, anyways....I have realized how we, as people, are shallow. We are a visual kind, and are attracted by things that catch our eye. It's not like we are able to see a person's soul, and how they are, before seeing how they look. But does that change anything? What if you were to meet someone by personality first, say-- online. However, when you do see them, you are let down. It appalls me about how absolutely superficial we are, how absolutely vain so many people are, how focused on appearance the world is. No matter how shitty a person may treat you, you could still like them-- just because they're hot. (This has happened to me, and I just ended up getting hurt. I learned my lesson.) Or, you meet a person who you see only as a friend because of their personality-- and it could be so much more, but you tell yourself, that person isn't up to my standards-- that person isn't good looking enough.

I know you're guilty of it, you all are. We all are.

I talked to Keeter about this, and I wonder-- how much easier would life be if I were blind. How much would it be if...we were blind. To know only by four senses, and not know what the world looks like. To never know how someone looks like, and to fall in love-- regardless of looks. If only that could be possible. We take our sight for granted, and by being shallow-- we not only harm ourselves by putting others down, making enemies, and also being vain. We harm others by insults, and lowering their self esteem.

What makes us think that we are better or worse than someone. It's all about perspective. Something, not many people understand.

Would you like to know a little bit about me? I can't put this much thought into anything at school, but here I am, pouring out a mess of words about life and my opinion of it. I may be right or wrong, but I'm not saying anything is completely true here. These are just my thoughts. Argue if you wish. Anyways...those who know me, know I cannot take a compliment...but did you ever wonder, why?

No, I'm not insane and deny everything just because I can.

No, my self esteem isn't low.

No, I'm not fishing for compliments about how I look or an argument about it that just gets me mad.

I hate compliments, and I mean the ones about my looks here, because-- I want to be more than just...pretty or cute or...whatever. I don't want the physical compliments, tell me something I want to hear-- don't tell me about what I look like....tell me something about my personality, something that takes time for you to understand, something that takes time for you to really get to know-- and tell me something good about that.

I wish, someone really would call me ugly. I'd thank that person, a lot. I actually think of myself as ugly-- not much as physical, but inside. I'm a mess, you wouldn't want to get entangled in it.

But thank you, to all of you who have.

I'll end it here for tonight. Sorry for the long...essay.

Teehees-- Okay, Ripped off 411 update in soompi. I'm lazy okay? LOL

Was Day 2 at Anime Expo 08 in Los Angeles!

So, I got up around 6AM to shower and get ready. My outfit wasn't spectacular, I actually decided to go last minute on the costume thing. I borrowed a skirt from my friend and wore a dress top & vest for the upper part. I ended up borrowing her mini top hat also. Her name is Manisha, FYI, and her brother, Roshan, was the ride. My other friend Frances came to my house at 7AM so we would wait for Roshan to come by to pick us up and head towards the convention center. He came around 7:45 and we headed out . Car ride was whatever, we were all excited about LM.C and also seeing Riku from Phantasmagoria/Chariots at one of the booths later that day. Once we got there, we went to get Frances her badge along with Roshan's girlfriend. Then Roshan wandered off with his girlfriend and I was just with Frances and Manisha. We met up with our friend Pokey and her sister Jess. Walked around and took pictures with a few cosplayers, I didn't do this much because for some odd reason-- it's hard for me to take a picture with a stranger, no matter how hot they are LOL! But not many HOT cosplayers, some okay ones , some good ones, some shocking ones-- and some truly scarring ones O_O; lol!

When it rolled around 10AM we split up. Manisha and I headed to the Exhibition Hall and Pokey, Jess and Frances headed off to the Artist Hall. We were going to meet up at the Ouran Host Club event-- which did happen. However it had one long ass line and we were waiting for a while haha. Then Frances was like, "Oh shit I dont have anything for LM.C to sign". So we skipped the Ouran thing and headed for dealers hall where we got some LM.C stuff for her. I got my 88 single and such before hand when I was in the Exhibition Hall with Manisha. Then we ran all the way to the West End, and lined up and waited for the LM.C panel. It was a cute Q&A session. Maya & Aiji are so adorable in life!

There were some stupid questions-- and what I hated was, I didn't ask a question but my friends asked my questions, and then kept on taking credit for it. After the panel, we had to run all the way to the South Hall into the Artist Gallery to the Autograph Area all the way in the back. I bolted insanely since I only had my light tote bag-- and I told Frances & Manisha I'd save them a spot. Also, I made a new acquaintance in line and he was waiting already since he wasn't interested in the panel much. But no, they kept following and we left Manisha behind. Frances kept freaking out since Manisha had one of her CDs. I was like WTF dammit? God, her excuse of not waiting for Manisha was like "I needed to follow you! I didnt know how to get here!" .... She went back and forth from there atleast twice already! I don't get her *sigh*

Anyways-- got autographs and handshakes, I gave Maya a lollipop~ so I was happy. Before leaving I seriously screeched out, "AISHITERU!" And cracked my voice LOL! I then went to the Exhibition Hall again and waited by the Jungle Stand to wait for Riku! There was a line already forming so, like a normal person would do, I stood in line! But when Riku came there was a stampede of people who just cut, or stood in the way of people trying to take pictures! I was like OMFG HEY BEEP THERE'S A LINE! And they replied either, "FXXK you" or "We're not in line" but then woudl still stay there to take pictures -_-. Then , there was an annoying ass staff lady who kept on saying "No photo! No Photo!" to Me & My friends when others were taking photos! I got really ticked off. Frances was infront of me and kept jumping up & down, bumping my arm and so my camera couldnt focus. I got pissed off. After we got hugs & handshakes-- Manisha and Frances DITCHED me to go running around. I was with my Ummanie (Friend who is like older sister and mommy also xD), and a few of her brother's friends. They wanted Riku to kiss them, but Riku was like "No! You kiss me!" So they kissed him on the cheek-- I did too :x LOL! The guys left and I stayed with Ummanie-- then we went to eat with my Kuri Umma and Keii Nii-San. Nii-San kinda wandered off from me all day :x so I didnt see him much. I mostly stuck with Ummanie~

I ate a bit of sushi, so did Ummanie and Kuri ate a hot dog xD We talked about going to the Cure shop afterwards-- but I wasn't sure if Roshan wanted to go, so I asked Manisha and she was like, "Oh, are they any good?" I was like, "...We're going for autographs & photos with a 25 dollar purchase for Riku..." and she was like "Oh well I'll see". Went back to Exhibition Hall to get three photobooks -- I gave one away to a friend, to get an Autograph Ticket. I bumped into Frances & Manisha and told them that they had to buy 25 dollars worth of stuff that was marked as "Special Ticket Item". But no, they were like "WHAT? 25?! THAT'S SO MUCH! I ONLY HAVE 10/15 ON ME!" then Manisha was like, "If I can't go then Roshan wouldn't take you probably. But we can go eat while you do that, right?"

That was the plan-- that then failed since Roshan wanted to watch a movie with his girlfriend until 9:30-- and so my friends ditched me and Ummanie had to take care of me. *Sigh* That was the dramatic part-- but after I was with Ummanie, it was pure fun! We got on the bus and went down to Jtown. The Jungle Shop wasn't open yet so we went to eat. Walked around Jtown for a while and ended up at this plaza-- I forgot it's name. But there's a Ramen place and a Marukai if I remember correctly. As we walked in, the area is about three stories high, we looked up and saw ... RIKU! At first i was like, Blonde hair...cool-ly styled...*pokes Ummanie* "Is that...?" ANd she was like, "I think it is!" He looked down at us and we waved at him, and he waved back! ^__^

Ate then head to the Jungle Shop~ quite overjoyed that we saw Riku again and will see him once more later tonight! Waited for a while-- then it opened & there were screenings~ Then Riku came along with Kuro!~ I didn't know much about Kuro, so I didn't buy anything for him to sign, so I was quite sad because all I got to do was shake his hand and talk to him a bit. He was adorable, with minimal english he was like "It's uhmm very hottt!" XD And so I just fanned him for a bit. Then he pointed to a price label on his finger-- and was like "I am 15 dollars!" so i asked him if I could buy him! LOL He was like "Yes, please buy me! It's so hot here!" I was seriously going to fork out a 20 and drag him away! LOL XD Then I got Riku to sign a page in a photobook and got a photo with him~. I then waited outside for everyone else-- since we had a big group.

As time went by, I felt bad for Kuro since he didn't have much to sign! I guess Velbet is quite new...~ So I found a flyer and wrote on the back of it with my friend's silver sharpie, "KURO, WE LOVE (<3) YOU!" Then tapped on the window and got his attention by an attendant that helped us xD. He was like O__O... ? EHH? And so we did heart signs and he was like =D AHH! *heart sign back* AI AI AI~ XD I was going to die! So I rushed back in, bought a ticket for 10 bucks and lined up once more so I could get a photo with Kuro! My unnies did the same xD haha~ When we got to the front he was so sweet!

He was like "Ohh! Hello again! Thank you!" And gave me a big hug! Shook my hand, signed a mini poster that he ended up signing after my unni behind me and told me "Thank you so much! You are uhmm.. very -- very cuteee! ^___^" I was going to die! XD I got a picture with him, then another hug <3 and waited for my unnies and a few of my oppas who came along too.

We waited for the bus, paranoid since now it was 11:30PM and we started waiting for the bus at 11PM! The bus didn't come until abut 11:45PM~ Got back to the hotel around Midnight then rushed into Ummanie's car so she could drive me home~ Got home around 1AM or so and that was my day (:

Great memories <3 Great Day <3 and a Great 4th of July, regardless if I didn't see a fireworks show or not (:

here are the photos! Thanks for reading that huge mess! LOL

This is Manisha & I~ I'm on the Left if you cant tell XDD lol~

Chobits Cosplayer-- er CROSSplayer. This is a DUDE xD! What I hated was after my friend
took my camera & took the picture for me, I looked around and like, 5 other cameras were trying to take a pic O_O;
So I ran away :x LOL!